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How to Speak to Women Without Anxiety

We live in a time overcome by technology, where everyone everywhere carries a cell phone. So you’ve gotten her number, and you’ve been texting back and forth but can’t quite get up the nerve to call her. Why? Because the thought of speaking to her as yourself, makes you feel anxious, nervous, and vulnerable. You might worry about what you’re going to say, and if she’s going to take it the right way, will she be flattered to hear from me? Should you ask her on a date on the first call or just talk to her, and if you talk to her what are you going to talk about? So you just don’t pick up the phone, and eventually even the texting stops. There’s no reason to live in crippling fear of speaking to a woman.

It may interest you to find out you’re not alone. There’s men out there who make better public speakers than they are at picking up the phone to call someone. It doesn’t even have to be to call a woman, just picking up the phone to speak to someone is enough to warrant feeling sick. This could have come from anything, or simply be who we are. Sometimes it’s an occupational hazard, if you’re using the phone all day at work, especially in the customer-service field, or customer-satisfaction, it’s not something you will likely want to bring home with you and you’ll naturally associate the phone with all the evils of humanity. Maybe you’re just not confident about your tone of voice, and think it’s too high for a man’s voice which is more common than you’d think.

Add to all of this fear of the unknown, it’s tantamount to stepping off a cliff with a backpack, hoping there’s a chute in there. Your worst fear is plummeting to the ground to your death, so you just don’t take the risk at all. What if the chute works? Would it not be utterly amazing to see the world stretch beneath you as you glide down, feeling amazing as the adrenaline courses through you? Very few of us take uncalculated risks, it’s madness to consider. The trouble begins when it keeps us shackled and unable to do anything at all, because everything is a risk. When you step out the door every morning to go to work you take thousands of risks, they probably just don’t occur to you at the time. The trick is to think of calling a woman in the same way, and making it a no-risk endeavor.

This takes some practice to be good at, so here’s some tips that might help you overcome the inability to pick up the phone, and miss out on someone you could spend the night with, or even the rest of your life with.

  1. Center yourself. Practice some deep-breathing and try to get yourself relaxed. Calm down so your heart rate isn’t thumping like a rabbit’s when you hear the phone connecting your call.
  2. Practice makes perfect. It’s better to write down what you want to say to her, than to never make the call at all. Most women are not going to mind if you sound like you’re reading it off a page, because that tells them you bothered to care enough to do it in the first place, and that you want her to see you in a good light. This can’t hurt you in the slightest, and will only make you appear more genuine to her. You don’t need to write out an entire conversation, just how to introduce yourself when you call. Perhaps a conversation opener, and end with a question for her.
  3. Subject matter. You can’t have a conversation if it doesn’t go two ways, so there has to be something to talk about while you break the ice and get to know her a bit better. Write down some ideas about what to ask her. Women, just like men, enjoy talking about themselves. We all want to feel like we’re individually special, separate from everyone else by some virtue of our personalities. Capitalize on that and find out what she likes, what she does for a living, her favorite music. It can be trivial things, or you can even pepper in some deeper questions, like whether she has a more social view of humanity, or an existential one. Ask things that actually matter to you, and you’ll find more ways to connect naturally.
  4. Call home. Unless you have a bad relationship with everyone in your family, call them before you call her. They’re the people who have known you the best typically, and failing that, it would be whoever you’d consider your best friend. By calling someone you are innately comfortable with first, you overcome a case of the nerves, and by making the call just after, you don’t give yourself the time to actually get nervous again before talking to her.
  5. Pace. Don’t walk back and forth or in circles so fast that you are breathing hard, but keep yourself moving. Studies show that the ability to move while speaking helps you to feel less anxious because you’re not constrained at all. The reason is because most people use hand gestures or facial expressions when they speak, and the phone robs you of this, so often you can end up feeling like you’re not getting your point across clearly.
  6. Practice. If you’re having trouble talking to anyone at all, but women especially, make as many calls as you can and help rid yourself of the issue through conditioning. Call places who will be happy to speak to you like colleges for information, or for a food delivery, or to a charitable organization. When you get off the phone feeling glad you spoke to the person, it changes how you view subsequent calls thereafter. This is classical conditioning Pavlov style. The guy was a hit with psychology experts during his trials with training dogs to salivate when they heard a stimulus, in his case, a bell. He would ring the bell, and immediately feed them. The dogs learned to associate the bell with getting food. Thereafter, he would ring the bell, and they would salivate, thinking food was soon to follow even without the presence of the food. We are no different. If we don’t rid ourselves of the anxiety through exposure that proves us wrong, we’re stuck with it for life.

Try to be as confident as you can, while remaining true to yourself. Nothing is as hard to keep up with as artifice, and if you’re just putting on a game face, and being someone you’re not, it’s going to show after a few dates and she might feel like she wasted her time, and like she’s been deliberately fooled. Nobody likes being made a fool of, so own who you are, and put your best foot forward during the call. If you strike out, don’t look at it as a crushing failure. Disappointment is normal, but it’s not as though you came crashing down to your death. Get back up and do it again with the exact same hope that it’ll go well, and look at the call that didn’t work out as a personality conflict. Not everyone is going to suit us, but that’s also what makes us human.

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